What I've Learned After Six Years of Marriage

So tomorrow's our anniversary.  Sixth, to be exact.  For those of you who know my husband, you can attest to the fact that if he's always picking on you, you know he likes you.  I seem to be no exception.  This morning he's chasing me around making comments about if we're going to make it to seven years.  In a warning tone, I told him, we haven't made it to six-yet.

Time sure has flown by, and yet, so much has happened in six years.  Life, no matter your vocation, is a journey of learning, growing, and changing.  So I decided to reflect on what I have learned, how I've grown and how I have changed or what I need to change.  

• Love is not a feeling, but a choice.  Love is not a means to anything, but something to be desired for itself and to be given freely for itself.  There has been many a day that I have not had that same romantic feeling like the day we met or the day we married.  What is left when the "honeymoon" feeling is over?    Love is a true act of the will.  
• Without God as number 1 in your life and relationship, there is no (true) love.
• It is not about equality or what you can do for me, but what can I do for you?  It is no longer "me", but "we".
• Watching my tongue!  Criticizing carefully and going the positive, encouraging route turns out so much better.  
• Respecting his authority and finding a greater love for his goodness and learning from it.        
• Love teaches humility. I most definitely have come to recognize my weaknesses, as I'm sure my husband has noticed them too.  Humility is more than just acknowledgement; it is relying on God to change.  Granting and asking for forgiveness takes humility also.       
• The beauty of children is the fruit of love.  

In marriage you learn alot about your spouse AND yourself.   It is however, a continuation of your past relationship.  It is so very important to grow in knowledge and care about someone in friendship first, then in a dating scene, and continue to learn and love during your engagement.  You find out his past, his present, and what he and you both together wish for the future.   You learn to love who he is.   Oh, you know, there is always that one annoying thing or something you wish you could change.   (I knew he put the toilet seat down, but I did not know that he left his clothes, hat, sunglasses, shoes, and phone, in any spot, corner, or open area that was available the second he was through with them.)  But, all in all, you love the way he is, and the way he walks, and the way he. . . . and you want your children to have those same traits.  BUT IF HE IS NOT SOMEONE YOU WISH TO MARRY AND SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DATING!  For those preparing for marriage, practice real love NOW!  True love is based on sacrifice; it is a selfless giving up of oneself for the good of the other person.  If two people coming together cannot truly love now, how will they in marriage?  



Just this past weekend, I hosted a shower for my soon to be sister-in-law, Jackie.  My sister and I debated on what sort of a game to play, but found most of them to be too drawn out or just plain raunchy.  When we live in a society where half of marriages end in divorce, why promote it?  After a quick Google search, I found that the median length of first marriages that end in divorce is 7.8-7.9 years.  So what's the secret?  I obviously haven't reached that mark yet, but I do plan on going much, much longer than 7-8 years.  If I had just one piece of advice to give, I would say, first love God.  He will show you the rest.  Our society today claims love to be so many fluffed up things that it isn't.  It's really just lust in disguise.  Take a look at the cross.  There is nothing fluffed up about laying down one's life as a true act of love.  It most certainly didn't feel good.  It wasn't done because "everyone" was doing it.  It wasn't an attempt to control what we do.  It wasn't a selfish act of pleasure.  No, it was a selfless act for the good of each one of us.      

We are made to love, but often we find ourselves in the midst of failure (as we see it), despair, or pain.  We may turn to sinful pleasures to "fill" our emptiness and divert our attention from this void.  Unless we reach for God, acknowledging that we are made for much, much more, the devil has a hay day with our soul.  Only God can mend our souls and bring us true joy.   We must turn to Him at all moments in our life!

So in the end (to get back to my story), there was no game at the shower.  However, a heart was given to each guest as they arrived.  On it, they were to write words of wisdom for Jackie.  As she later read aloud the advice from family and friends, most of whom had been married for many more years than 7, I saw that these words were not only for her and my brother, but for each one of us, married or not.  How we love one another affects all of us.  I truly want the best for my brother and wife.  I truly want the best for them for their sake, but also for the sake of others.  (My children, for example, will truly benefit when their cousins are brought up in a REAL LOVEing home.)  


Here are some quotes on love that became part of the decor for the shower:

We love because He first loved us.  1John 4:19

To love another person is to see the face of God.  Victor Hugo-Les Miserables

Love, to be real, it must cost-it must hurt-it must empty us of self.  Bl. Mother Teresa of Calcutta

There is no place for selfishness-and no place for fear!  Do not be afraid, then, when love makes demands.  Do not be afraid when love requires sacrifice.  Pope John Paul II

Do everything you do for love, that way there are no little things.  Everything is big. 
Bl. Josemearia Escriva 

Have you ever wondered why some old married couples look alike?  I have always found this fascinating and I think St. Bernard has an interesting insight:  What we love, we grow to resemble.  St. Bernard of Clarivaux  When we truly love God, then our will is one with His will for us.

And one of my favorite quotes: To love is to will the good of another.  St. Thomas Aquinas

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails. 

1Cor 13:4-8 

Under the Weight of the Wood

This is the third in a series of Lenten reflections.

Today is Good Friday.  It was this day that all humanity was restored to the divine life of Paradise.  For this reason it is "good."  But it is also a somber day.  Our redemption came at a great price: the life of Our Savior.  I am reminded of the song Lord, Let Me Walk by Jack Miffleton that we sang during Lent when I was in grade school.  (find  lyrics here)

How ironic is the refrain:  "Freedom can be found, laden down, under the weight of the wood."  By His death, we have new life!  Original sin no longer chains us down, but we are now able to live as we were intended before the Fall.  We normally think of death as an ending and therefore having no power, but Christ's death and Resurrection opened Heaven's gate for eternal life. We have the power to form our lives to grow in truth and holiness.  Paragraph 1733 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church states that "the more one does what is good, the freer one becomes. There is no true freedom except in the service of what is good and just. The choice to disobey and do evil is an abuse of freedom and leads to "the slavery of sin."

 Jesus told His Apostles, that "no one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends."  (John 15:13)  Christ shows us our vocations as persons by giving Himself on the Cross.  He obeyed the will of the Father for our salvation, despite the sacrifice He knew it would be.  "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me: still, not my will but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)  Our Lord suffered and died of His own free will.  "I lay down my life that I may take it again.  No man taketh it away from Me, but I lay it down of Myself. . ."  (John 10:18)  He chose to suffer and die this ignominious death not only to show us the horror of sin, but to show His love for us.  Only by gazing at the cross, do we learn the divine lesson that the way of the Cross is the only way for victory over sin.

Likewise, Pope John Paul II says that "man finds himself only when he makes a sincere gift of himself to others."  (Pope John Paul II-Gaudium et Spes, 24)  [True] love is self-giving and for the good of the other person. Yes, our inclination to sin still remains, but Jesus gave us the map to Heaven.  "If any man wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me."  (Luke 9:23)  This is the only way to true love, the only way to true happiness, the only way to a reward in Heaven.  "Freedom can be found, laden down, under the weight of the wood." 

Behold, the wood of the cross, on which is hung our salvation.  O come, let us adore.